"I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I knew as well."
-Henry David Thoreau

Monday, March 18, 2013

Indy

We watched The Perks Of Being A Wallflower this weekend.  It was a movie I wanted to watch and Drew obliged.  I love movies like that.  Independent films have a different vibe from main stream movies.  Have you seen Juno or Little Miss Sunshine?  It’s the same idea.  Indy films.  I think I love them because they lack the shiny glamorization that Hollywood likes to put forth in films.  To me, Indy films feel unrefined and raw, and I like that. 

So, the thought has crossed my mind that perhaps my life is more like an Indy film than any other kind of movie.  Of course, nobody’s life can be condensed into a 2 hour viewing, but I think you get what I’m saying. 

The thought of writing a book is never far from my mind.  I have started writing numerous times over the last couple of years, but I never get very far without feeling like something just isn’t right.  The style, the methodology of it, something just isn’t right.  Though the story is the same, the style in which I have tried to tell it just feels off. 

So, what do I like about this independent film approach to story telling?  It’s a little bit awkward.  It’s raw and unrefined.  Something about it feels honest and disordered.  I think I relate because my life feels like all of these things… raw, unrefined, awkward, disordered. 

Does that make sense?  Well, it does to me.  Someday I will finish writing my book.  Heck, I may write a whole mess of books.  Maybe some strange & unknown director will pick up my book and say, “This could be a great movie.”  If that happens, then I hope it is a quirky, raw and unrefined telling of my story.  It better not be all shiny and glamorous and fairy tale.  That’s not me and it’s not my life.  Just saying. 

In other news… we had company over on Saturday evening to watch UFC.  It was nice to have everyone over and just hang out and have a good time.  Yesterday we went to John & Alison’s for dinner.  Dinner was delicious and we had a good time, but I left in a tizzy. 

By the time we got home I was on the verge of a full on panic attack.  Here’s what I think it was about… Emma’s birthday is tomorrow.  We were with John & Alison and talking about Alex spending a few days with them when Drew & I are in Florida next month.  Alex’s allergies are pitiful right now and her eyes are all red and itchy.  She seems so fragile to me right now and I know that while she wants to get out a little bit, being moved around is stressful for her.  And then back to Emma. 

I couldn’t breathe and really couldn’t even talk about it.  My hands were shaking and my heart was about to pound out of my chest.  It is the first true anxiety attack that I’ve had in months and I didn’t like it.  Even once the bulk of the attack was over, I didn’t feel like myself.  After Emma died I had several months where I walked around feeling like I might suffocate.  The grief was literally so heavy and thick that I felt like it might actually keep my from breathing or living.  Last night I felt that suffocation. 

Like I said, Emma would have turned 8 years old tomorrow.  Alex and I will be wearing pink tomorrow, in honor of Emma.  If any of you would like to join us then rock your pink and think of Emma. 

I’ve shared this much with you, but I really don’t want to talk about it any more.  Thank you for thinking of us, thank you for keeping us in your prayers, but I don’t really want to talk about it. 

This week is spring break for public schools, so our therapists are off for the week.  That means no therapy for Alex all week.  The 80 degree weather that we had on Friday and Saturday has given way to cool and damp weather.  Boring.  Given the cooler temperatures and Alex’s apparent allergy to the high spring time pollen, it looks like we will be staying inside this week.  Boo. 

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