"I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I knew as well."
-Henry David Thoreau

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


Well, it’s March 27th and that means that it has been one year since Emma went to heaven.  It seems strange to me that a particular date on the calendar would have me feeling more emotions than any other day.  I suppose, like it or not, that we live in a world that is governed by time.  Therefore, the passage of a set unit of time leaves us remembering. 

That reminds me of a scripture about time.  We are the ones hung up on time, not God. 

“But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is a watch in the night.”  2 Peter 3:8 (NIV)

That verse gives me comfort.  Someday, when we are all together in heaven, this time that we’ve had to spend apart will just be a blink.

Today we remember Emma and the day that God took her to heaven, but the truth is that I think of her every day. 

Drew made plans to have today.  Even weeks ago he figured that he would probably not be in a frame of mind to work.  There’s that, but I’m pretty sure he was thinking of me not spending the day alone at home.  I’m glad we are all three here together.  I woke up in a tizzy early this morning, one of my infamous anxiety attacks in my sleep.  I was up and out of bed before 6am.  I laid back down at 7 and got back up at 8.  I just could rest.  I know it’s just the general anxiety that comes with all the feelings that have been stirred up over Emma’s passing.  I’m so thankful that Drew was here because I was able to jabber for a few minutes, admit that I was in the midst of panic and I took myself to the gym.  40 minutes on the treadmill was quite helpful. 

Speaking of exercise and anxiety… I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday to revisit my anxiety issues.  The nurse practitioner that I’ve seen for a few years is no longer with the clinic, so I saw a different doctor.  I was nervous over that (fitting, since I was there for my anxiety), but it was totally unfounded.  He is a very kind, but professional, older man and we sat and talked about my history and current issues.  I also told him how I started exercising last fall and how that has drastically reduced my general anxiety and acute panic attacks.  He said that in England they have done studies on the benefits of exercise for people suffering from depression and anxiety.  The results of the studies were so staggering that all doctors are required to recommend an exercise regimen BEFORE prescribing any medications.  I would totally support such an initiative, as I have personally witnessed the benefits for myself.  (side note: nothing is a cure all and some people need more than a good workout.  That being said, even if exercise can’t fix everything, it very likely can help at least a little bit.) 

In other exercise news… I’m behind on my 365 miles in 2013 goal.  I’ve run 59.74 miles this year.  I’m continually learning that pushing myself is a delicate matter.  I’ve been having some pain in my left leg again (though not particularly my hip this time) and my hard run this morning seems to have aggravated it.  Often times my mind is much more capable than my body.  It would seem that I’ve allowed that little Jillian Michaels (that sits on my shoulder and yells) to dominate too much.  I have to also give some attention to the Mister Nice guy on my other shoulder.  Balance Mandy, balance.  Push your limits, but you must also respect your body. 

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