"I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I knew as well."
-Henry David Thoreau

Saturday, January 11, 2014

First Time

Today is my first time alone in… well, a really long time.  Drew was really hesitant to leave me alone for any period of time, but I assured him that a few hours would probably be a good transition in preparation for his return to work on Monday.  So, I sent him to his Dad’s to help replace a part on a vehicle and I’ve had a little time by myself.  I cleaned up the kitchen, went to the gym and then stopped at Aldi for some produce. 

I hadn’t been to the gym  in more than two weeks (since the 26th when I finished out my 200 miles for 2013) and my body and mind really needed a shot of endorphins.  My Fitbit buzzed at me when I hit my 30 minutes of activity and for some reason that felt like an accomplishment.  It’s been interesting to see how my light and moderate activity has declined since Alex died.  I had the Fitbit just long enough (while she was still alive) to see what a normal day looked like for me.  We stayed fairly busy for several days after her death, making arrangements and tying up loose ends, but once that was done my ‘normal’ daily activity really dropped.  Seeing that on the computer screen is just a great reminder that I will have to be intentional about not sitting on my bum all the time now that I’m not running around the house taking care of things and Alex.  That, of course, is not only for my physical health, but very much for my mental health, also.  Like I always say, one day at a time.  For today, I have accomplished my goal of 30 very active minutes and I feel pretty good. 

Pastor Dixon reminded me that in the old testament God reminds Elijah (when he was very down) to rest and eat.  He didn’t tell Elijah to read the bible or pray harder, He just told him to rest and eat.  Let me assure you that Drew and I are doing both of those things.  I’m sleeping 8-10 hours a night and I’ve even taken a couple of naps, just because I wanted to.  I have not been taking “ugly naps”, which I define as the naps that one takes because dealing with life is just too much.  No ugly naps here.  Eating.  Oh, are we eating.  Please people, don’t send more food!  I’m a stress eater anyway, so having an abundance of food means that I will eat an abundance of food.  I gained 12 pounds after Emma died and it took me 18 months to lose it.  I don’t care for a repeat of that.  The older I get the harder those things are to manage, hence my trip to Aldi for produce.  I’ve thrown out the remaining sweets and restocked the kitchen with fruits and veggies.  If experience tells me anything, it is that I can’t eat junk if there is no junk to eat.  Now I am much more likely to pause long enough to consider whether or not I am actually hungry.  If I am, in fact, hungry then I will have no choice but to pick up a healthy snack instead of a handful of cookies. 

I did something funky to my lower back a few days ago.  I don’t know what I did, I just know that I was really hurting.  On Thursday night Drew massaged my lower back and I needed so much pressure to try and relive the pain that I now have bruises on my lower back.  Oops.  It’s not Drew’s fault, I was just really trying for any sort of relief.  Yesterday Cheryl stopped by to pick something up and I wound up in the floor with her adjusting my hips/pelvis.  I can’t really explain what she did, but when I put my left leg back down there was a loud pop.  Since then I have felt much much better.  I was still very sore last night, but the actual pain was gone.  A hot bath helped me relax and ice packs & ibuprofen have helped reduce the inflammation.  Yesterday morning I couldn’t sit down without pain and today I ran/walked 2 miles at the gym, so it’s about 1,000% better. 

Drew and I are hoping to go to church in the morning and then he goes back to work on Monday morning.  I’ve told you all that I will continue blogging, and I likely will, but I can’t imagine what I’m going to have to write about without my children.  I guess we will just see where life goes.  Let me say one last thing for today… I’m not afraid of being alone.  It’s weird and different from anything I’ve known for a long time, but I’m not scared.  I actually think that learning how to balance time alone and time with others will be a growth process for me. 


BethAnn said...

Mandy - Thank you for allowing us to read of your strong faith in God & knowledge that God chose you and Drew especially for Alex & Emma. You were given a special job to raise and teach them and you have fulfilled that mission in a way that gives glory to God, that allows the world to see His grace and love for the world. My heart hurts for your sweet & dear family and I can't imagine the depth of your loss.

For me it's best expressed in music. Our help cometh from the Lord and there is strength in the name of the Lord. When we see Jesus, oh that will be, glory for me.... when we all get to heaven.....when the roll is called up yonder, I'll be there.

OK..... that's probably too dramatic,, my only intention was comfort ---- BethAnn

Anonymous said...

BethAnn, as I was reading Mandy's blog a song also came into my heart..I love this song and I have had to listen to it over and over again because I couldn't stand on my own. It is called "I can't even walk without you holding my hand"

So Mandy know that the Lord is talking thru us, to let you know he is there...

It isn't a matter of being afraid of being alone, because of your faith in The Lord...you will never be alone...it is just the adjusting time...

So just remember you are being help up in prayer every day and night.

Lord I can't even walk
without you holding my hand
can't do without the lord tonight
the mountain is to high
and the valley is to wide
down on my knees
I learned to stand
because I can't even walk without you holding my hand.

When you are feel alone, hit your knees and let him hold you!

Big hugs to you today, Mandy and Drew

Janice King Pastor