"I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I knew as well."
-Henry David Thoreau

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Wednesday

Last night I slept fairly well, but the dogs woke me up at 4:30am.  I guess my body is still on mommy mode, because I just hoped up to let them out like it was no big deal.  I knew that Drew’s alarm would be going off in half an hour, so I just decided to start the coffee and stay up.  I wound up drinking my coffee and watching the morning news while Drew hit snooze repeatedly.  I wasn’t even mad, because I was just thankful he was resting well.  I decided to lay back down about 6, but first I left him a sticky note on the bathroom mirror that said, “I love you.  I hope you have a good day.”  I finished it off with a silly smiley face with a mustache.  He got up shortly after I laid back down, but I nestled back into the covers to sleep a bit longer.  When I woke up again at 9, I went straight to the potty.  He’s so funny, because he knows that I never flush the toilet without first putting down the lid (it’s a germ thing for me).  When I put the lid down to flush, I found that he had left me a sticky note saying, “I love you.  I hope you have a WONDERFUL day.”  He finished his note with a smiley face with an even better mustache.  There was also a line that said, “I one upped you!”  He made me laugh and he wasn’t even home.  I sure do love that guy. 

Like I said, I got a few more hours of sleep this morning, but they weren’t entirely restful.  I had a strange dream that really had me in a tizzy.  I dreamed that now, two weeks after Alex has passed and nearly two years since Emma passed, that Emma was still alive.  I was distraught over the fact that I hadn’t been aware and caring for her.  Then my dreaming self started questioning my sanity.  Was Emma really in front of me or was I crazy?  There were other people around, but nobody would answer my questions, they just stared at me.  It was very disturbing to me and then I woke up with a startle.  Of course, as soon as my eyes were open I knew I had been dreaming.  You all know how I tend to dissect my dreams (or anyone else’s), so it should be no surprise now.  I think that the feeling of guilt over not caring for or being aware of Emma was my own struggle with owning my own time now… like I really should have been caring for my child instead of myself.  (There’s that nasty word again… should.)  I’m not worried over this dream, as I know it’s just my mind’s way of working through all these changes.  Still, isn’t it strange how the mind creates such complex scenarios? 

So, you see, Drew’s silly note on the toilet seat was just the smile I needed to start my day right after such a bizarre dream. 

My plans for this afternoon have been rescheduled, so I’ve been spending the day paying bills, doing laundry and gathering tax forms.  I even ran to Wal-Mart for a few things and stopped at the bank.  My sweet neighbor just knocked on the door to give me a hug.  She and her husband have been so kind to us since we moved into the neighborhood 8+ years ago.  Even as she knocked on the door, she was worried that she was disturbing me or that it was too soon to be bothering me.  I assured her that it was just the right timing and invited her in to visit for a bit.  I am so grateful for such blessings. 

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