"I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I knew as well."
-Henry David Thoreau

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Dear Dixon,

I have a few self proclaimed blog stalkers, which is quite flattering.  Now, if I really had stalkers then that would be frightening, but these are just dear people in my life who, for some reason, like to read what I have to write.  So, in that silly spirit, I have jokingly titled this post to Pastor Dixon.  In all actuality, this post is just another Mandy post and not written to anyone. 

Sasha and the kids came to visit last week while Drew was away on business.  What fun we had! 


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I really enjoyed having them here, loving on those sweet babies and spending time with Sasha.  Here’s an interesting tidbit… many of my mommy senses have been turned off.  I think I shared a bit of this not too long ago, but those feelings were confirmed last week.  On Wednesday night we set up a sleep over in my bedroom with Tessa on a pallet in the floor, Sasha in Drew’s spot, me in my spot and Payson in the middle.  At some point in the night I remember waking up to Payson fussing.  I clearly remember thinking that I should get up with him before he woke up Sasha or Tessa.  The next thing I remember is waking up again to Payson crying and I was confused about how I had fallen asleep when a baby needed me.  The rest of the night went pretty much like that, with Payson occasionally fussing or crying (his nose is stuffy, so he’s restless) and me doing pretty well nothing about it.  What the heck?!  I’m a mommy and have an eleven year history of responding to things children when I’m half asleep.  Well, not anymore!  I honestly feel like the switch that was turned the moment Alex was born was switched off just as quickly when she died. 

What’s my point?  First, I apologize to Sasha for not being more help in the night so that she could get a bit of sleep.  Second, I apologize to my husband (and men in general) for believing that they were faking it.  I mean, really ladies, how many times have you gotten frustrated with your husband when the baby was crying and you had to get up?  Weren’t you sure that they were pretending to not hear the baby?  Didn’t you feel frustrated that you were getting up and they were sleeping through it?  I know I did.  Drew admits to doing that twice in all of our parenting years, but I really believed it happened way more that that.  Now I believe him.  The special mommy wiring that God activated in me when my first child was born made it possible for me to be aware and respond to the needs of my children.  That wiring is still there, but it isn’t firing appropriately for me anymore.  Maybe that’s how men feel all the time? 

I felt really astonished at this behavior in myself.  My body and mind have so very quickly adapted to not having children.  Maybe parents of grown children can sort of relate to this, but I can’t imagine that it would be the same as this.  The awareness, intuition and feelings of the heart that existed when I was an active mommy are gone.  Now, please don’t misinterpret this.  Of course I would rather have had my children outlive me in my old age, but that isn’t how things have happened for us.  I truly and honestly feel peace over this.  Our girls are whole and complete now and there is no need for my awareness of their well being.  I don’t need to be on guard for or in hope for that because it is now completely, fully and absolutely true in Christ. 

Those are just some new and unfamiliar things that I experienced. 

Despite that strange shift in my awareness, I really tried to help Sasha as much as I could.  I’m not sure how much help I was, but hopefully at least a little bit.  I do know this, I really enjoyed loving on those sweet babies.  I also slept really well on Friday night without any kiddos in the house :) 

Other stuff…

Last Wednesday was my Dad’s birthday.  Just in case he wasn’t feeling any older, I made sure to remind him that I will be 34 next month and that having a child that old makes him even older!  I did manage to make something for him that I’ve had in my mind for a long time, but hadn’t had time to do. 

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Drew and I spent yesterday running errands in Fayetteville and we managed to get him a proper pair of athletic shoes (because I feel so strongly about the difference that this made for me last year).  He’s already a believer!  We also took advantage of the 50% off at Hobby Lobby for these display cases that’s he’s been wanting for a long time.  We framed these things last night and he put them all in his office. 

Alex’s Razorback jerseys. 

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Drew’s Army patches, ribbons, medals and coins. 

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Cool, right? 

We will go to church this morning, get a few things done around the house this afternoon and hopefully play some basketball outside while the weather is so beautiful! 

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