"I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I knew as well."
-Henry David Thoreau

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mother’s Day

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I’m a little surprised at how that bothers me.  Drew and I talked about it a couple of weeks ago and he asked me how I wanted to handle it.  I told him that I didn’t want anything.  No cards, no gifts, no fuss.  That would just feel wrong.  We had planned to go camping this weekend and live off the grid for a few days, but Drew has been in Canada all week.  I didn’t feel like I could get everything together by myself and Drew was tired from his work travel.  We both agreed to just stay home. 

Last night we went to Wal-mart for a few things and I immediately noticed all the Mother’s Day stuff.  Flowers, cards, gifts, etc.  Add to that the fact that we were at Wal-mart at 5pm on a Friday and I was immediately feeling a bit anxious.  I guess that’s when my mood changed.  I didn’t really think about it being Mother’s Day related, but now I’m thinking that it is.  I was feeling a bit anxious all evening and I didn’t sleep well at all last night.  I think I’ve shared about sleep anxiety before.  It’s been quite a long time since I’ve experienced that, but last night wasn’t restful.  I fell asleep thinking about my girls and tossed and turned all night.  It wasn’t until I woke up this morning that I fully realized I was counting in my sleep… counting breaths.  Counting Drew’s breaths.  I was panicking because he wasn’t breathing.  He was obviously breathing in reality, but in my dream he wasn’t.  Ah, nothing like a panic attack in your sleep when you can’t separate yourself enough to realize you are asleep and that there is nothing to panic over. 

I’m just going to take a deep breath and look forward to working outside with Drew today.  He’s going to teach me how to use the weed eater and then we are going to rearrange and clean up the back porch.  I’m taking at least a few days off from Facebook because all the posts and photos of mommas with their little ones and photos of the hand made gifts are more than my little heart can handle right now.  I miss my girls so very much and I just need to lay low while this holiday weekend passes.