"I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I knew as well."
-Henry David Thoreau

Thursday, July 10, 2014


I stayed home today.  All day.  Only ventured as far as my garden to check on my tomatoes that are ripening.  I made zucchini bread, did dishes and finished a book.  I needed a day like today, after my day yesterday.
I'll share this with you all so that you may have a glimpse of the moments that are difficult to handle, even 6 months after Alex's death and 2+ years after Emma's death.  Many moments are good, some moments are no fun at all.
It started out great.  I had made plans to meet Carrie for lunch before going to Misty's grandpa's funeral.  I wore a dress and cute shoes, enjoyed lunch with Carried and then went to the funeral.  I truly and honestly wasn't worried about it at all.  It never occurred to me to be anxious over a funeral.  My plan was to go in, sign the book, sit in the back and then give a few hugs before leaving.  I didn't know Frank very well, but I love Misty and her family has always been so kind to us.  I just wanted to be there out of respect.
I got there 10 minutes early, but apparently they started seating people from the back forward.  That means that when the usher seated me, I was in the second row.  I wasn't thrilled over that, but mainly because I felt inappropriate sitting that close when I barely knew the man.  No matter, it was fine.  Finally, the family came in (and I took note of how absolutely handsome my brother looked) and then the service started.  I was a tab bit uncomfortable, but I thought I could just disconnect from the situation a bit and be fine.  Then, the first song was the same arrangement of Amazing Grace that our choir sings at church.  It would have helped if the lady singing hadn't sang it so beautifully.  Despite my efforts to get a grip, I cried.  I was so not worried about this funeral that it didn't even occur to me to wear waterproof mascara or bring a tissue.  A few tears would have been fine and appropriate, but the song wasn't even through the first verse when I couldn't stop the flow of tears.  I didn't want to be rude by leaving while she was singing, so I sat and tried to relax.  I knew exactly how long that song was because we've sang it in church a million times over the years, but I swear it lasted an eternity as I sat.  As I waited out the end of the song, I couldn't even close my eyes without seeing Alex waving her sweet little arms and singing along in church.  By the end of the song I was very near an ugly cry, so I whispered to the two men next to me and they let me out into the aisle.  Kyle caught my eye and I just gave him a nod, to which he nodded back with an unspoken understanding.  I've never been so glad to get out of a building.  I had to walk a couple of blocks to where I had parked my truck and I couldn't even hold in the ugly cry until I got that far.  I'm talking chest heaving, noise making sobs.  I got to my truck, wiped my eyes and headed out.
I thought I might just take myself to the cemetery and have an ugly cry there.  By the time I got to Tontitown I had recovered a great deal and decided to stop for dog food first.  When I pulled into the parking lot I noticed a large rack of hanging plants, full of pink and purple blooms.  I immediately walked over and saw that they were marked down to $1.  I bought 5.  After that I didn't feel the need to go to the cemetery.  My girls had intercepted me before I got there.  When I got home I changed clothes and went outside for some dirt therapy.
Last night my stomach ached.  I finally realized that it hurt from sobbing earlier in the day.  One uses many muscles during a thorough ugly cry.
So, you see, today was the quiet day I needed.  I'm feeling good today and just want to apologize to Misty's family for my leaving during the service.  I'm just keeping Frank's wife, children, grandchildren and great grandchildren in my prayers.

1 comment:

BethAnn said...

It's called "ambush grief". It comes out of the blue without warning & the oddest things trigger it.

Love you Mandy girl. Have any photos of those pink & purple flowers yet?