"I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I knew as well."
-Henry David Thoreau

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Thinking and Looking Back

Over the last couple of weeks I have had a few feelings about the upcoming holidays.  The strange thing is that they weren't all bad feelings.  They were brief and fleeting, but I had them.  That had me wondering about how I would really handle the next few months.  Would it really not be so bad?  Then...
Tomorrow is Halloween.  Not a important holiday in my book, but something the kids always enjoyed and it sort of served as the gateway into the winter holidays.  The last two days I've been a bit contrary (just ask Drew) and now I realize why.  It's just difficult and I'm sad.  I miss my girls.  I miss them all the time, but some days are still just super hard.  Ah, Halloween.  The day that you dress up your adorable kiddos, parade them around, take pictures of them and show anyone who will look. I don't want to avoid the past, but sometimes digging through old pictures is just not a mood lifter.  Not the way I think it will be, anyway.

October 2010 (the last year that both girls were well enough to participate, since 2011 was a particularly difficult fall/winter before Emma died in 2012)

Ah... what our pumpkins looked like before Misty's artistry, my little bumble bee Alex and kitty cat Emma.  If I could have gone straight to these three photos then it probably would have served as the lift I was looking for, but in order to find them I had to go through the weeks leading up to and following this.  Too many memories to handle at once.
Tomorrow night is Halloween, but it's also Dottie's birthday.  For years we would have her over for dinner that night, hang out with our kiddos and hand candy out to trick-or-treaters (we never took our own girls trick or treating).  This year we opted for going out to dinner, as I just couldn't bear to have the same get together without my girls.  That's all going to be fine and we will have a good time with Dottie & Jessica's crew.  No worries there.  
But, after Halloween is Thanksgiving and then Christmas.  I'm feeling as secure as ever in our decision to change up the traditions this year.  I'm not hosting any of the family gatherings, so that will help.  Thanksgiving will go on and we will be where the gatherings are.  Christmas will be different.  I've explained our reasoning before, so I won't do it again.  I'm feeling good about changing up our own plans for this first Christmas without either of the girls.  

Let's move past all that depressing stuff.  I'm working on a new quilt.  It's for Misty & Kyle and it requires a higher level of skill than I've done before.  I'm figuring it out and having a good time digging in to a project.  Of course, that means that I'm spending a lot of time sitting, so I've made friends with Netflix again.  Do any of you watch Scandal?  A friend recommended it and I'm hooked.  It's, um, scandalous.  That's a dumb description, but an accurate one.  It's indulgent and I'm okay with that right now.  
Drew & I have another wedding to attend this weekend and then next weekend is the opening of modern gun deer season (the thing in October was just a couple of special days for early hunting).  So, deer season will last through November and we have some friends from Canada coming down the weekend before Thanksgiving.  Looks like our weekends aren't going to slow down and that we won't get in any fall camping before it's officially too cold for this girl.  What's the best part about planning a beach vacation during Christmas?  Anticipating leaving the winter season behind for a week to sport flip flops and sunscreen in the warm sun.   Yep, looking forward to that.

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