"I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I knew as well."
-Henry David Thoreau

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Christmas Eve

Today is Christmas Eve.  It's also my Grandpa's 79th birthday.  We tried to talk Grandpa into going out for lunch later today, but he didn't want to.  I respect that, as his world has been turned upside down and everything is overwhelming.  Instead, I'm cooking the meal of his choice.  I was so surprised that he chose spaghetti (specifying the sauce and hamburger meat).  Kyle is off today, so he's brining his kids over, and my Uncle Matt is still here.  Drew and I will go over in a bit to spend time with them and make Grandpa's birthday lunch.  As much as Drew and I wanted to avoid the traditional Christmas this year... we are here.  The boys and I were supposed to have dinner at Mom's tonight, but she caught Payson's tummy bug.  It's gone through Payson, Tessa & Sasha... and now Mom.  Over the last couple of weeks, everybody in Kyle's family has had it, too.  So, that Christmas is postponed and I'm just praying that I can avoid taking my turn with the bug.  
Last night we went to Drew's mom's.  I wasn't sure how I would handle it, and there were moments that were difficult (JR is 3 and excited about things this year, which makes me happy for him but also hurts my own heart so much), but I made it.  We had yummy lasagna for dinner, then the Christmas story and a birthday cake for Jesus...
Jason & JR.  Note that JR is a blur... isn't that appropriate for a 3 year old's excitement over Christmas?  
I asked him if I could take his picture and he obliged...
Pat & Big Alex
Dottie & Jessica
I told Drew that we had to take a photo, too.  His face was less than enthused, so I joined in.  We were being dramatic, but it's a bit appropriate for how we feel in general right now.  
How do we feel?  Tired.  I'm  sleeping at night, but my eyes have popped open on their own about 7am the last two days.  Drew told me yesterday that he had warned my brothers about how I typically handle these sort of situations (unfortunately there is enough history to have set a precedent). He's pretty insightful, because he was spot on.  Crappy stuff happens, I have brief emotional response and then go into some strange mode to get things done.  I still feel things and may have moments, but I will get stuff done.  When it's over (probably after the funeral on Friday) I will likely crash.  The adrenaline (or whatever it is that keeps me ticking and functioning) will run out and I will hit a brick wall.  There's no telling how long that part will last.  It's not a depression thing, it's a pure exhaustion thing.  For now, I have my moments and the truth is never out of my mind, but I'm still ticking.  I can't say that I'm completely sharp.  (Or, as my Dad would say, "Not the sharpest tool in the shed" at the moment.)  My sentences aren't always sensical and I'm pretty sure I called JR three different "J" names last night before I finally got out the right one.  Work with me, y'all.  


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