It's happened again. I've gone more than a week without posting and I'm missed. That's sweet. This time it was Sasha with the request for a new blog post. I'm obliging. Here it is.
The truth is, in the last week I have had so much to write about, while simultaneously having nothing to say. How? Well, let me go ahead and tell you. Our family and close friends know, so I might as well spill the beans. Don't get too excited, just read it.
Last Monday I got a phone call from a friend at church. (I don't know what's okay to post here, so we will just call her X.) X is also an attorney, so her voicemail had my mind racing about what could possibly be going on. In short... she has a client who is pregnant and seeking adoption. That's the short version. The slightly less short version (but nowhere near the absurdly long post that I could write about my emotional roller coaster) is this...
In the week since this phone call, Drew & I have spent much time talking, crying and praying about this. We were not seeking adoption. In fact, I think that I actually wrote a blog post last summer stating that only God himself could convince us that having more children would be a good idea. Yeah, well, God's a funny guy. Emotions. Lots of emotions. Over the next few days Drew & I found ourselves with lots of questions and eventually coming down off of pure shock. We emailed a list of questions to X and continued our conversation and prayer over the matter. Surprisingly, we found ourselves really considering that if God had a child for us then we would be open to that. There was already someone wanting to adopt this baby, that fell through, which prompted the call to us. (Exactly why our friend even thought to call us is a mystery to me. God was stirring her and she listened. Again, God's a funny guy.) Fast forward to the end of last week... X met with birth mom to get some answers to all of our questions and found out that the original person interested in adopting the baby was back in the picture. We don't really know what that means. We wait and see.
Here's what we know... God's got this. He's the one that brought it up, so we can only trust that He's got it under control. There is a chance that this could proceed and we could adopt the baby. There's also a chance that we don't hear from birth mom again. Here's why that's all okay...
Drew & I are happy. We hadn't considered adoption, but when it was presented to us we found that our hearts were open to having another child. We aren't looking to fill a hole in our lives with a child. That would be unhealthy for us and unfair to any child. We were happy before this came up, we are happy now and we will be happy no matter what. We don't feel like God is saying, "Hey Mandy & Drew, you need a baby." Instead, we feel like God is saying, "Hey Mandy & Drew, this baby might need you." Oh, it's plenty terrifying. Plenty. The only thing here that is in our control is whether or not we open our hearts to the journey. EVERYTHING else is in someone else's hands. Who the birth mom picks, the legal process. All of that is beyond our control. Let's say all of that went in our favor, there is still plenty to be afraid of. The health of the child, being mom & dad again, raising a child... all of which is "normal" for any expectant parent. There's also the fact that we haven't been new parents in nearly 10 years. (Emma would have been 10 on March 19th of this year.) We are 10 years older and 10 years more tired, but surely we are also 10 year wiser. Right? I use the word "afraid" because I can't think of a better word. I use it because being a parent is scary (if you aren't scared sometimes then you aren't paying attention!). Having been parents to Alex & Emma, we are extra aware of certain thing that are beyond any parent's control. So, yes, it's scary, but it isn't debilitating. It's just a reminder that all we can do is open our hearts to the risk and see what happens. Let's say a few months pass and nothing happens... We don't have intention of pursuing adoption. Not the mainstream way, anyway. No agencies or anything like that. Our only plan is to keep our hearts open for whatever God has for us.
There. Now do you see why I had so much to write about last week, but nothing to say? I couldn't write about any of it until I got my head on straight and we knew a little more. Now my head is on (fairly) straight and my heart is open. God's got to take it from here.